Sunday, February 27, 2011
What I’ll never get to say to A. (or to anyone else but you), purely for the fear of revealing the impact he’s had and still has, fearfully, shamefully, on my life and the love I have to give. Painful love lessons, leave me be. How can one feel so much from simple memory? Loving [...]
A week ago, I was weaving through pedestrian traffic on a busy downtown street, completely unconcerned with who was listening to me panic on my phone. “I told myself that I would be faithful in relationships. I want to be faithful.” I felt as though I was mouthing the words, rather than speaking them in [...]
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A pamphlet in the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous fellowship told me to try six meetings before deciding if SLAA was for me. I just had my second meeting a few days ago. Meanwhile, I’ve been feeling strange, disconnected, and not sleeping well. I drempt of D. last night, someone I haven’t even thought about [...]
Signs and Characteristics of Love Addiction: * Lack of nurturing and attention when young * Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family * Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life * Outer facade of “having it all together” to hide internal disintegration * Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships) * Hidden Pain * [...]
The following is the list provided by the S.L.A.A. program. 1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. 2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated [...]
Last night, I did my first S.L.A.A. meeting. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I got to the building where the meeting was being held, a YMCA with several offices and floors. I figured the meeting would be in the basement, and quickly made my escape to the staircase spiraling down. Downstairs, I found a large [...]
Steph was my first boyfriend in about a year, despite having dated, slept with, and pined over many men. The men I’d been with during that time of my life either couldn’t put up with my substance-abuse behaviors, didn’t see me more than someone they could party with, or would randomly disappear. Once in awhile, [...]
I had landed in my new city completely demoralized, love-sick and physically sick. After being told by a doctor that I would have to clean up my act (stop drugging, participating in risky sexual behavior), I took it upon myself to really commit to the idea of abstinence for the first time. Out of humiliation [...]
Sunday, February 28, 2010
There are many people in the world that do not know what they do and why. They turn to therapy, the self-help section, and listen to audio books about Why Bad Things Happen to Good People and look for answers as to why they feel the way they do. I personally enjoy psychotherapy and reading therapeutic materials [...]
I’ve come to a point in telling you about my past that can’t be characterized by previous patterns or experiences. I felt worthless, like a fuck-up that couldn’t hold anything precious without dropping it. I’d cheated on my first love, on the new-and-improved version B., and was incapable of sorting my guilt and shame. I [...]