Dearest P., I’ve been fantasizing about leaving M. to be with you. But I much prefer the fantasy, the “idea” of it all. The reality would be very difficult and painful in this very crucial time in my life. And the truth is, I can’t leave someone until I know it absolutely can’t work with [...]
Now I know through this social media platform called Facebook that he’s openly in a relationship with a girl I used to be friends with. I’d requested her to be my friend on Facebook and she never accepted me. I just went to her profile and noticed her relationship status. My heart jumped. Yes, it’s [...]
Shaw is driving to my city as I type this. We both always loved music, and he’s coming for a show with a car full of friends. I bought my ticket so I could join them. It took me a lot not to ask him in a message, How far are you now? I entertained [...]
June and July have been tough months for me, for several reasons. My program of recovery, which includes AA and CA meetings, as well as 12 step work and an occasional SLAA meeting, has taken a back-seat to the career sphere of my life. Career-oriented growth and networking have been taking up all the room. [...]
I like to tell myself that I could fall in love with you again, as genuinely and euphorically as before. The problem is that I know for a fact that now it would never work; I’m a different woman now. I know too much. I love you differently. Do I love you at all? I [...]
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On Christmas day, I was on the other side of town at my girl friend’s place eating food and watching movies. M. had called for a Christmas day hook-up, but I wouldn’t be making it to his place that night. My girlfriend made a good point when I hung up the phone with M. “Did [...]
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I recently read a section in Charlotte Kasl’s book Women, Sex, and Addiction that perfectly describes my state of being as my second major affair started manifesting. Under the title “Codependency with secret Addictive Behavior”, Kasl writes that “after years of playing a role that leaves them spiritually empty, [women] fill their longing for car [...]
Monday, December 21, 2009
I’ve been with both M. and D. in the last month and I’m not sure if I’ve changed the sheets. How cheeky of me. I’d like to tell you with a big sheepish grin on my face, just to show you how silly I’ve been. Oh Well! would describe my facial expression, pressed lips and [...]
Monday, December 21, 2009
I admit that I am powerless over love and sex, that my life has become unmanageable. Through the last few years that I’ve been in love relationships and sexually active, I’ve been built up and torn down. Built up, torn down, again and again. What does this mean? What has manifested in my interpersonal relationships? [...]
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I first saw M. on stage during an obscure play in a bad neighborhood. I was immediately piqued by his good looks, but my thoughts didn’t cross over into sexual territory at the time. Well, honestly, I don’t quite remember if I considered whether or not I would sleep with him, but I should leave room for [...]