Dearest P., I’ve been fantasizing about leaving M. to be with you. But I much prefer the fantasy, the “idea” of it all. The reality would be very difficult and painful in this very crucial time in my life. And the truth is, I can’t leave someone until I know it absolutely can’t work with [...]
Now I know through this social media platform called Facebook that he’s openly in a relationship with a girl I used to be friends with. I’d requested her to be my friend on Facebook and she never accepted me. I just went to her profile and noticed her relationship status. My heart jumped. Yes, it’s [...]
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What I’ll never get to say to A. (or to anyone else but you), purely for the fear of revealing the impact he’s had and still has, fearfully, shamefully, on my life and the love I have to give. Painful love lessons, leave me be. How can one feel so much from simple memory? Loving [...]
I’ve come here, shamefully, to be redeemed. I have been distracted, I have been preoccupied, I have been exhausted. I have been doing everything but my program, everything but my recovery. I know very well how it works: I work my program of recovery in AA and CA, the twelve steps to sobriety, and the [...]
June and July have been tough months for me, for several reasons. My program of recovery, which includes AA and CA meetings, as well as 12 step work and an occasional SLAA meeting, has taken a back-seat to the career sphere of my life. Career-oriented growth and networking have been taking up all the room. [...]
Pain. Wailing, screaming, crying, pain. Before I told him it was over, I listened to him recount his painful childhood of emotional and physical abuse. I heard him yelp like a small animal that had been stepped on as he choked back his sobs. He said all the abuse that he suffered in his youth [...]
Tonight was cold and rainy. I was glad I had changed my spring jacket for a hooded rain jacket this afternoon. As if I knew all along that I’d be leaving suddenly from his apartment tonight. I walked off the front path of his building and onto the sidewalk, resisting the urge to look up [...]
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A pamphlet in the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous fellowship told me to try six meetings before deciding if SLAA was for me. I just had my second meeting a few days ago. Meanwhile, I’ve been feeling strange, disconnected, and not sleeping well. I drempt of D. last night, someone I haven’t even thought about [...]
Last night, I did my first S.L.A.A. meeting. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I got to the building where the meeting was being held, a YMCA with several offices and floors. I figured the meeting would be in the basement, and quickly made my escape to the staircase spiraling down. Downstairs, I found a large [...]
I have a problem with ending relationships. When I get hurt, when I disrespect my personal limits, and I feel lost, I am unable to take the leap and end a bad relationship. Fundamentally, I doubt myself as to whether or not it’d be right to do so. I think to myself, am I being [...]