Dearest P., I’ve been fantasizing about leaving M. to be with you. But I much prefer the fantasy, the “idea” of it all. The reality would be very difficult and painful in this very crucial time in my life. And the truth is, I can’t leave someone until I know it absolutely can’t work with [...]
Now I know through this social media platform called Facebook that he’s openly in a relationship with a girl I used to be friends with. I’d requested her to be my friend on Facebook and she never accepted me. I just went to her profile and noticed her relationship status. My heart jumped. Yes, it’s [...]
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What I’ll never get to say to A. (or to anyone else but you), purely for the fear of revealing the impact he’s had and still has, fearfully, shamefully, on my life and the love I have to give. Painful love lessons, leave me be. How can one feel so much from simple memory? Loving [...]
A long time ago, I read a message written on a scrap piece of paper I found in a library book that said, “You don’t know how much you love someone until you’re faced with losing them”. Recently, I lost that someone. For the first time since our turbulent relationship started, I found myself at [...]
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I’ve been away for far too long. Imagine what happens in two months. A pregnancy scare, ‘scare’ being the key word. The phone call to an ex-boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend, that I could dramatically state I’ve been chasing through other people for the last two years. Don’t get excited; he didn’t answer the phone nor did [...]
Shaw is driving to my city as I type this. We both always loved music, and he’s coming for a show with a car full of friends. I bought my ticket so I could join them. It took me a lot not to ask him in a message, How far are you now? I entertained [...]
I’ve come here, shamefully, to be redeemed. I have been distracted, I have been preoccupied, I have been exhausted. I have been doing everything but my program, everything but my recovery. I know very well how it works: I work my program of recovery in AA and CA, the twelve steps to sobriety, and the [...]
“Deep contentment is the visible sign of love. Contentment, the deep satisfaction around him… his every breath, his every movement, his very being, content. You may be surprised when I say to you that love makes you desireless, but desire comes with discontent. You desire because you don’t have. You desire because you think that [...]
June and July have been tough months for me, for several reasons. My program of recovery, which includes AA and CA meetings, as well as 12 step work and an occasional SLAA meeting, has taken a back-seat to the career sphere of my life. Career-oriented growth and networking have been taking up all the room. [...]
A week ago, I was weaving through pedestrian traffic on a busy downtown street, completely unconcerned with who was listening to me panic on my phone. “I told myself that I would be faithful in relationships. I want to be faithful.” I felt as though I was mouthing the words, rather than speaking them in [...]