For the Hypersexualized

Having completed a moral inventory of my resentments, fears, sex conduct, and other misconducts and having read it to another AA member as I am supposed to do in Step 5, I was initiated into one of the more covertly difficult steps in the 12 step program.

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 6 of the AA program is about getting humble (knowing you can’t conquer your defects alone) and surrendering/giving up old habits and ways of thinking (your defects of character) to your higher power, be that God or something/someone else. Taking the time to read a lot of AA literature about this step has allowed me to discover my own baffling resistance to getting better, changing old patterns, and not living my life like a suffering alcoholic-drug addict.

I sat down today to write a list of my character defects. This may seem a bit morbid, but from what I understand, if I am able to accurately identify which character defect is making me suffer at a given moment, then I can ask for it (specifically) to be removed. I assume it would make the process of prayer seem less futile. Everything is futile when it’s too general.

With the risk of going off on a tangent and losing the focus of this post, the following are roots of my defects and my most commonly experienced character defects:

Sex-related defects: selfish pursuit of sex, lust, flirting, jealousy, suspicious, manipulation, and vanity

Pride +ego: unwillingness (stubbornness); perfectionism; power thirst; know-it-all attitude; envy; pettiness; intolerance; all-or-nothing attitude; having a judgmental attitude

Laziness: forming judgments on assumptions, entitlement (feeling like something is owed to me), carelessness toward responsibilities, procrastination

Dishonesty: overt/covert lies, deception

Selfishness: self-obsession; self-pitying; negative thinking; self-destructive habits (smoking, drinking, drugs), nostalgia, being dramatic, talking but not listening

Are there character defects that I possess that I like having?

I’ve often considered that my sexual character defects made me more powerful; that sleeping around (being lustful) gave me a powerful and independent character, or that selfishly pursuing my sexual needs outside of a relationship (by cheating) was once again a sign that I was taking my destiny into my control.

In retrospect, my sexual defects have caused my pain, despite having given more desirable effects at the time of my acting them out. The effects were short-term and led to heartache in ways I didn’t imagine possible. Sometimes I still get caught up in the potential ‘short term’ effects of acting out my sexual defects, as if being suspicious, jealous, manipulative, and vain could put me in a position of power over my partner…

Am I afraid of turning into someone I don’t like if these parts are removed?
Yes. I’m afraid that I won’t be as appealing, as driven-looking, as competitive with other people. I’m afraid of losing what I have (a relationship, career path, financial stability, friends, etc). I am afraid of losing the only predictable parts of myself, even if they are negative ones. I’m afraid of losing what I know.

What do I think will be removed?

I’m not sure, but I’m hoping that my sex-related defects will be removed since I am in a relationship with someone I value very much. I also hope that my self-obsessive thinking and nostalgia are removed, since they also have the potential to damage my present-day relationship and the life path I’m on. I also hope that my self-destructive habits such as smoking will be removed, and that drinking and drugs will stay out of my life.

I believe that my dishonesty is a character defect that will be removed. I’ve seen evidence of this in my daily life. I appreciate transparency in communication a lot more than before, and I try to clarify myself when I feel I may be holding something back. I feel bad about it, at the very least.

I hope this is my higher power’s will to have these removed, since I know very well I’m not the one who chooses what will be removed.