I’ve been fantasizing about leaving M. to be with you. But I much prefer the fantasy, the “idea” of it all. The reality would be very difficult and painful in this very crucial time in my life.
And the truth is, I can’t leave someone until I know it absolutely can’t work with them. Only then can I really truly start from scratch with someone new. I love M., and our relationship is salvageable at its worst. Leaving him would still destroy me.
This is what I’ve come up with after a couple weeks of torment. I’ve been so bothered by my thoughts of you and what they could make me do. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and coming to you like a broken toy, as you’ve so eloquently said before, would just fuck me and you up even more.
P., my thoughts and heart seem to keep coming back to you… The desire to live our love out, to its fullest potential, will never leave me. It’s a beautiful thought, really, as tormenting as it is to live. The reality is, perhaps, that I will always want what I can’t have.
I love you P.